May 8th was my Day of Infamy.

As a history teacher, I teach my students that revolution means change.  My students usually associate revolutions with war and fighting.  Given what they have learned about and experienced in their lives, their understanding of the word makes sense.  While I thought my human revolution started a while back, it really didn’t start until last year.  2013 signifies the start of my true human revolution, but my revolution has not come without hard fought battles along the way.  Battles I would not have been able to win or overcome without the support of my friends and family.  I’ve known my person for three years, but it was during this past year that he has become such an integral part of my life and one of the catalysts for my human revolution.  I am truly blessed and thankful that he is my friend and person. They say timing is everything, and his timing was impeccable. 

            I thought my revolution started in 2009 when I had lap-band surgery.  I had been overweight for most of my life, tried all kinds of crash diets and failed at all of them, so the lap-band surgery seemed like a good option.  I had to receive medical clearance in order to have the surgery, so one of the many requirements was that I meet with a psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist was supposed to determine whether or not I was mentally sound and able to cope with the mental challenges of the surgery and post-surgery life.  I thought it was odd because I knew why I wanted the surgery and that I wasn’t crazy, but if that was the rule, then so be it.  I don’t remember what the psychiatrist asked me that day or what the conversation entailed, but the one thing I’ve always remembered telling her was that I didn’t have a good relationship with my parents because I was considered the bad, ungrateful, and inconsiderate daughter and resented my sister for being the favored child.  Therein, laid the reason for my broken spirit, but I didn’t understand that then.  I didn’t understand the enormity of that admission back then, nor did I understand the impact that it has had on my life until recently.

            The surgery wasn’t the magic bullet that I had hoped for, but it did help to push me to make some changes in my life.  I was focused on my physical appearance and thought all my problems would be solved if I were skinny, so I hired a personal trainer and devoted my life to taking zumba classes and working out at the gym.  It was my trainer that started digging into my psyche, and once again brought up my feelings about the relationship I had with my parents.  She told me I wouldn’t meet my weight loss goal, unless I found a way to resolve my issues with my parents.  My trainer told me I needed to let go of the hurt little girl I inside of me.  While I did try to resolve my issues with my parents, it just became easier to distance myself from them.  I just focused on making myself healthier and happier.  Working with my trainer did make me healthier and happier, and it also brought many new friends into my life.  Again, timing is everything.

            The pessimistic part of me would say that all good things must come to an end.  To say that 2013 had been a horrible year for me is a bit of an understatement.  The year started off with one of my closest friends being hospitalized quite a few times over the course of 3 months, and running back and forth to the hospital because I didn’t want her to be alone.  I was also extremely unhappy with my work environment and was trying to find ways to just pass the days.  I still would not even characterize the first few months as horrible.  Those days were just quietly becoming the norm and what was expected, but nothing I would say was horrible. 

The horrible came full force on Wednesday, May 8, 2013.  I remember that day as if it happened yesterday.  I was driving my friend to an appointment and we were going to meet up with my person after.  On the corner of Grove and Cyprus, I struck on elderly woman with my car.  I was horrified and paralyzed by what I did.  I was in complete shock and couldn’t bring myself to look at or check on the elderly woman.  My friend handled the situation while I just sat in the car crying, frozen in place, waiting for the police to come.  EMT was immediately on the scene. The police and my friend kept saying it wasn’t my fault, being that she walked out in front of my car when I had a green light, but it didn’t matter.  I saw the woman’s blood on the floor, and had already tried and found myself guilty.  Everyone on the scene kept trying to reassure me that the woman was going to be fine, but it didn’t make me feel any better because I knew I had hurt someone.  It didn’t matter that it was unintentional or who was at fault.

I didn’t sleep that night or for many nights thereafter. After this accident, I didn’t want to drive anymore and found it extremely difficult to return to the normal day to day driving routine. At times, I pleaded with my person to drive my car because I was just too scared to do so.  I was ashamed of myself. I didn’t tell my parents, family, or friends about what happened. The only people that knew were my friend, who was there when it happened, and my person, who I called and met up with later that day.  I asked them not to tell anyone about the accident. They were my support system, my person more so because I didn’t want to cause my friend any undue stress because she was recovering from her hospitalization and was feeling guilty, being I was driving her to an appointment.  It wasn’t her fault.  I was the driver.  

A week later, I got into another car accident.  It was a fender bender where the other car hit me from behind.  This accident had me questioning whether or not everything that happened was my karma.  I asked my person that very question, and he said I needed to let go of the guilt from the first accident because I was sending negative energy out into the universe and that was what was coming back at me.  He really tried to convince me to release my guilt, so the negative energy would go away.  I was trying to release my guilt and thought things were starting to get better, but I was still nervous about my parents and family finding out about the first accident.

The following week, I locked myself out of the house.  Just a bit of bad luck, one would say.  I told my person about it, and he asked what happened that I forgot my keys.  I explained to him that my mother had told me the insurance company had called about the car accident on May 8^th.  My mother asked what the insurance company was talking about, given the fender bender was on May 17^th.  My stomach just sunk, and I tried to cover it up by saying she misheard the message.  I was so scared that she had found out, I panicked, forgot my keys and locked myself out.  My person asked why I still hadn’t told my parents about the May 8^th accident.  I told him I didn’t want my parents to be disappointed in me because, once again, I didn’t live up to their expectations and I knew that my parents would say the accident was my fault because I am careless, reckless and irresponsible.  I didn’t want to see the disappointment in their eyes or hear it in their voices.  My person proceeded to scold me for even saying that, but that was how I felt. He told me that I was a good person and needed to believe in myself.  He also said when I started believing in myself, my universe would work to right itself.

The next day, May 24^th, I got into another car accident.  I was driving home with my friend when the driver of the other car blew past his stop sign and I hit him.  The impact trapped the other driver in his car, and made my car inoperable.  I was in hell.  Why was this happening to me again?  My friend kept telling me it wasn’t my fault and told me to remain calm, but she had no idea what was running through my mind.  She didn’t know about the previous accident, so didn’t understand why I was having a meltdown in front of her.  She happened to be on the phone with my person when the accident happened and hung up with him when the accident occurred. I called him and before I could say anything, he told me not to even think it.  He tried to calm me down, so I could deal with the situation at hand, but I just couldn’t deal any more.  I refused medical treatment, and really shouldn’t have. But I just wanted to go home, crawl into bed, and wake up, hoping the last few weeks had been a nightmare.  Being my car was inoperable, I steeled myself to call my parents to pick me up, and so the tirade began.  My parents didn’t bother to ask if I was okay.  It was just about the car.  I absolutely dreaded seeing my parents that night because I knew they were so disappointed in me.  I heard every single bit of the disappointment on the way home that night and in my mother’s silence in the upcoming days.  My friends told me to explain and defend myself to my parents, but I had no fight left in me.  I was so drained.  I didn’t want to think or do anything anymore.  I just wanted to sleep forever.

My person was my rock during that seemingly endless night and for the days and nights that came after.  He tried to comfort me and, once again, explained that the universe was not working for me because of the negative energy I was releasing.  He told me I needed to learn how to turn all of these bad experiences into positive energy, so I could better myself.  I needed to focus on the positives in all of those experiences.  I thought he was crazy.  What good things could there possibly be in those horrible accidents?  He said I was meant to teach a lesson to the people that were involved in the accident.  It was just really bad that the lesson was delivered in such a terrible way.  I still could not accept his reasoning.  My heart and mind were bursting with guilt, and I mentally tortured myself for it. 

I asked my person how he was able to be so positive when I couldn’t even see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I wanted to be positive like him.  He said he knew of a way to help me, but I wasn’t ready for it yet.  I was floored.  Ready for what?  Why wouldn’t I be ready?  He bestowed a bit of tough love on me.  He told me I needed to stop playing the victim, throwing myself a pity party, and blaming others for all the bad things that were happening to me.  I needed to take responsibility for my actions, feelings and thoughts.  I made the decision to be complacent and let my parents and others walk all over me. I had to make the decision not to allow that anymore.  I had to make the decision to fight for myself and what I believe in.  I had to turn that negativity around, and make it work for me, so I could be happy and get what I wanted out of life.  I couldn’t keep living my life for others, and not myself.  I couldn’t move forward unless I was ready to stop playing the victim.  And, therein, laid my catalyst for my human revolution.

May faded into June, and I was on the move and ready for a break.  I had the opportunity to travel to Istanbul for a few weeks over the summer.  My person told me to use the time away to have fun, reflect and make some changes to my life.  I took his advice, and came back a changed woman.  I am not sure what clicked with me, but something did.  I came back ready to fight for my self and my happiness.  I was ready for the next step.

Before I left for Istanbul, my person had asked me if I would be interested in attending a meeting at a cultural center.  He said he wanted me to hear about other people’s experiences, how they were able to overcome their obstacles, and find their happiness.  I said it would be willing to go, but wasn’t interested if it was a pitch for an organized religion.  I’m not an atheist, but having studied the power and impact of religion on society, I was hesitant to embrace any organized religion.  We attended a Sunday introductory meeting.  
At first, I was taken aback by the chanting.  I thought it was weird, especially, since I had no idea what was being said.  He explained what “nam myoho renge kyo” meant and what the purpose of chanting was, so I took the red flag down a bit.  After a while, the chanting became very soothing, due to the rhythm.  He told me I could chant if wanted to, but I didn’t feel comfortable because everyone was going so fast and I couldn’t figure out how to pronounce the words.  After the chanting was finished, I listened to some people share their experiences, questions and responses.  It was really engaging, and I drew many parallels to my own life from the meeting.  My person asked what I thought about the meeting, I told him I had a better understanding of what he was trying to teach me about my own life, and understood why he had such a positive outlook on life.  My person asked me if I wanted to try chanting.  I told him I would like to try chanting in the privacy of my own home, but he needed to send me a recording of him chanting, so I could practice on my own.  I’m a creature of habit and very detail-oriented, so I needed to learn how to do it and then perfect it, before I could chant in public.  I can be very trying, so I am thankful my he puts up with my quirky proclivities and nuances.

A few weeks later, I attended a study meeting. It was that evening that I decided to obtain my gohonzon.  I was chanting on my own and was feeling better, so I thought I would just go all in.  I was also going back to work soon, so obtaining my gohonzon would make it easier for me to practice at home, being it would be difficult for me to make it to the cultural center or meetings on a consistent basis.

I received my gohonzon on August 16, 2013.  While I was stressed over the enshrinement, I felt a sense of calm come over me after the gohonzon was enshrined in my home.  Some very gracious members took the time to explain the enshrinement and the daily practice to me, and I was off and running.  The next morning, after I completed the morning practice, I felt absolutely exhilarated!  I hadn’t felt that way in such a long time.  A boost of energy, excitement, and happiness all rolled into one!  I started a new job and really loved it!

I was really consistent with the morning and evening practices for the first few weeks, and was really feeling wonderful about life.  When I started back at work, it became difficult to maintain the consistency because I was always rushing in the morning and didn’t have time for my morning practice.  Then, I became too tired for my evening practice.  It only takes about 20 minutes, yet it was hard to manage 20 minutes twice a day.  I found my stress levels increasing because of work and the car accidents.  I was getting frustrated with my students’ performance in class and found myself boiling over more often than not.  I had suffered a concussion from the last car accident, and was experiencing chronic headaches.  The elderly woman, from the first car accident, brought a lawsuit against me, and my parents found out about the accident.  I finally had to face the music and was told by my mother that I was a failure at life.  All the negativity coming back into my life, made me push myself to be more consistent with my practice. When I did my morning practice, the day went better for me.  The days where I didn’t get my morning practice in were really rough days where I became really stressed out and let the negative energy creep in. 

I have really tried to maintain that consistency and I’ve noticed a world of difference.  I have been more effective at work and know I do my job well. While there is still a bit of frustration that comes with being a teacher, I really do love my job and have been offered the opportunity to possibly take a promotion next year.  I am in the process of seeking treatment for my headaches, but I also find the pain lessens after I have completed my practice – the calming factor.  My lawsuit is being handled accordingly. While I am still concerned about the outcome, it has been way less paralyzing then when I initially received the legal papers. 
As for me being a failure at life, I know I’m not a failure at life. I confronted my mother about it a week later.  She didn’t remember saying that, but said she probably said it in the heat of the moment because she was angry at me for not telling her about the accident, and was worried about the effect the accident and lawsuit had have on me.  It was huge for my mother to say that to me because she is the quintessential tiger mother.  The practice allowed me to open the lines of communication with my mother, thereby, taking the first step to healing my broken spirit.  My parents and I have definitely had our moments, but they have become some of my biggest supporters.  It's taken a lot of tears and talking, sometimes yelling, to get to this point, but it was well worth it.  We still have to work on our relationship a bit more, but the foundation is laid, and I know that I am loved.  

I was waiting for 2013 to give way to 2014, so that the new year would shower me with positive energy and good fortune.  I was waiting for 2013 to fade into a distant memory and hopefully, be forgotten.  But as I am living in 2014, I can now say I do not want 2013 to be forgotten.  I learned a lot about myself in 2013.  While it was the worst of times, it was the best of times because I wouldn't be the person I am today without going through hell and climbing out of it.  I am a stronger and more determined person.  I am so far from being perfect, but I am more comfortable in my own skin and know that I have found my peace and on my way to finding my true happiness.  Life isn't perfect, but sometimes it's not supposed to be.  Life will throw obstacles in my way, so I can learn and grow from them to become a better person, a better version of me.

My person posted a quote the other day, and I knew it would be the perfect quote for my blogpost.  

"Many things happen in life. There are joyous days and times of suffering. Sometimes unpleasant things occur. But that's what makes life so interesting. The dramas we encounter are part and parcel of being human. If we experienced no change or drama in our lives, if nothing unexpected ever happened, we would merely be like automatons, our lives unbearably monotonous and dull. Therefore, please develop a strong self so that you can enact the drama of your life with confidence and poise in the face of whatever vicissitudes you may encounter." -- Daisaku Ikeda

I am determined to keep developing my strong self.  May 8, 2013 was my day of infamy, but, more importantly, it marked the beginning of my human revolution, and that was my silver lining.  I survived and became a better person because of it, so it will no longer haunt or instill shame in me.  It has become a part of my strength.  Happy Anniversary to my Human Revolution!

Refresh . . .

Wow!  It's been so long since I've updated this blog!  But today seems as good a day as any to start blogging again.  I am not going to lie.  I am really not good at blogging, nor do I particularly enjoy writing.  I am not going to post too often either.  I think that is why this blog died out quite a few years ago.  It became a chore and one more thing to do.  This time around this blog is about me reflecting on me and my life.  

This past week has been a difficult week for my loved ones and friends.  They were going through so much and I really couldn't do anything to fix things for them.  All I could was listen, support, comfort and just be there for them.  It doesn't seem like much, but yet it means a great deal because it was much needed and provided hope life would get better, despite the shadows that were looming above.  

The impetus to refresh this blog came from spending time with my best friend today.  There is no one who knows and understands me better then her.  We have known each other since the 5th grade.  She is my sister for life.  While we rarely get to speak to or see each other, we know that we are always there for each.  When we do get time with each other, the gap hasn't caused any rift.  We haven't skipped a beat.  We pick up right where we left off, and we do not begrudge each other for being caught up in our lives.  There is no truer friendship than one like this.

My best friend is my role model.  She has been through so much and continues to fight and push through her obstacles because she has to make her life work, work for her and for her family.  She is one of the strongest people I know.  She is a daughter, sister, wife, mother and a fighter.  This week her husband suffered a seizure and the doctor's discovered a tumor putting pressure on his brain.  The fear of losing her husband and father of her children set in, but she fought through to keep calm and maintain control.  She was strong for her husband, kids and family.  She was putting an enormous amount of pressure on herself to be the strong person for everyone.  She needed to just let it all out, and so did I.

She shared her fears and concerns about the future and her struggles over the past year.  One person should not carry such a burden and I was more than happy to be her shoulder to cry on.  We are so similar in many ways, I understood what she was going through.  We are both "bottlers."  We like to bottle things up and keep things to ourselves, so we don't burden the ones we love and protect ourselves from criticism or judgment.  We are also "bottlers" because we are control freaks, and make ourselves crazy when things are beyond our control.  It was a hard lesson to learn for the both of us.  I am so grateful to have the support system I have with my friends and family.  While it is still difficult for me to share my feelings and thoughts, I am getting better at it.  While we were sitting in the hospital today, a light bulb went off for the both of us.  A true friend and loved one wants you to express yourself because they want to lighten the load for you, fight your battles with you, and show you how much they love you.  It is awesome to know you are not alone in the world.  You have a PERSON if not PEOPLE to be there for you no matter what.  Isn't that what life is about?  Sharing.  Sharing happiness, joy, love and prosperity, as well as, struggles, times of weakness, fears, and tears.  One cannot understand true happiness, unless one understands that trials that had to be overcome to achieve true happiness.

Despite all of her challenges, my best friend is blessed.  She has a husband who loves her and whom she loves just as much.  She has two beautiful children.  She has a supportive family, who may drive her crazy, but will be there for her.  She has friends who love, support and care about her and her family.  She also has ME, but I am just as blessed to have HER in my life.  She and her family have a rough road ahead, but she knows there will be hands that will be extended to her to offer support.  There will be people who will pick her up if she falls.  She is a fighter and will get through this with flying colors!  

Hope is a powerful thing, but believing in yourself is the ultimate power.  Life is too short not to believe in yourself or to take control of your life and make it what you want.  It will require a great deal of work and you will have to earn every second of it, but it will be worth it.  There will be struggles and obstacles along the way, times where you want to quit and give up, but that is where you have to dig in and give it all you have.  It is also those struggles and obstacles that help you to understand what is true happiness and appreciate it.  I will be the first person to say 2013 was a horrible year for me, but as bad as it was, I wouldn't change it.  2013 made me the person I am today.  It's been a difficult road to travel, but once I shared my thoughts and feelings with my people, the road has been a little bit smoother.  I am a lot stronger than I thought.  Life is about appreciating the good moments and learning from the bad moments, so you can become who you are meant to be and count your blessings.